Fanfic Novel Excerpt

[WildcatPhoenix]

Hello comrades. Since it looks like the Deus Ex franchise is finally due for a revival, I've taken it upon myself to begin work on a fictional adaptation of the game. Whether or not it ever gets published, I'd still like to give a complete adaptation a shot and see how people react to it. I've posted a few (oddly formatted) samples over on the Man in Black/Reborn forums:

http://dxr.deusexgaming.com/forum/viewtopic.php?t=487

All criticism, commentary, suggestions, etc are welcome.

-Wildcat

[Dead-eye]

WoW, cool I love it. I was thinking of doing something like this in a comic book, only it would take up a fictional time of 2 years, were JC comes on board UNATCO until he finds out the truth about MJ12.

[Jonas]

Your writing is very good, I hope your structure can live up to it.

Of course I can't really judge it objectively since I have an automatic interest in your subject matter. No idea how non-fans would react.

Now get back to your mod!

[ZeroPresence]

haha, I remember this big fanfic all the regulars wrote back on DXE back in the day. It was one of those "I post my take, then yours, etc." This reminds me of that, just more awesome.

[metche_steele]

Excellent work WildCat - really enjoyed it! I love that kinda writing style because it really works with the gritty cyberpunk feel one needs to inject into DX.

[that guy]

Wasn't there a choose your own adventure thing written by the PDX regulars back in the day? That was weird.

You probably want to keep this project under wraps as I dont see Eidos being too happy about it

[Jonas]

I know we had one for TNM, "The Ruins of Deus Ex Incarnate." May still be online somewhere. Dreadfully stupid project

[WildcatPhoenix]

Now get back to your mod!

Hehehe, don't worry, we're still pounding away at the mod. I've finally found someone to share a bit of the writing burden (putting together the entire story + objectives list + writing ALL dialogue/e-mails/text was just too much for one person), and we're currently trimming away some of the narrative fat from our story. The objective is to make a tight, well-structured plot with deeply developed characters, rather than the sprawling mess we've got at the moment.

Regarding the novel, I've thought about getting in contact with Sheldon Pacotti and Chris Todd to see how they felt about a DX novel adaptation (it's a shame Aaron Allston's version fell through!) Of course, I doubt I'd get very far with Eidos without a literary agent, so maybe I should stick to finishing the book first, then editing, then getting an agent, THEN going to the owners of the IP.

Either way, I'll keep posting some excerpts for you guys to read. Thanks for the comments, btw!

-Wildcat

[Jonas]

(putting together the entire story + objectives list + writing ALL dialogue/e-mails/text was just too much for one person)

Not really, you just can't have a life at the same time. Worked for me.

Oh and don't forget the goddamn AI barks. Grrr.

[Vavrek]

Hey! I liked the Ruins of DXI thing. It was fun, I was just disappointed that it stopped abruptly.

[WildcatPhoenix]

Well, I think MIB will much better off once I'm not trying to cram writing all of those things in between a full-time job and a marriage.

In terms of the novel, I plan on the first book beginning with JC's arrival at Liberty Island and ending with Paul's defection and disappearance. In between, I hope to really dig into the NSF and the DX universe. There's just so much material to explore, and hopefully I can hook some non-fans into the universe as well.

But as always, I fully welcome any suggestions or critiques that you guys can come up with. The last thing I want to do is get so close to the story that I miss out on some mistakes or things I could do better.

-Wildcat

[sweets]

This has a lot of potential. Here's some of the things I picked up on that you could improve though.

I don't mean to patronise you, but you should re-read everything you write afterwards to see how it sounds in your head. It's the bread and butter of good writing for a reason. Here's an example that you could pick up from re-reading: "...he raised his hands into the air and turned around". There's no need for "around" in this sentence and it's far better without. Make every word count and you'll keep the reader involved. In contrast, as people have said already, it's too short. If you hope to turn this into a novel then, generally, your paragraphs will have to become far larger and more detailed.

Also I'm sorry to say that it's very clichéd. You should avoid things like: "His eyes seemed to burrow deep into Filben’s skull" and "...an athletic physique forged by constant training." The English language is drowned in verbs so I'm sure you could improve on these fairly ordinary sentences.

Another suggestion is that you stop writing this. Bear with me. If you are serious about turning this into a novel then you should prepare before ploughing on with the narrative. You made a prologue - great. Then it kind of slips down a hill of history. It's far better to give the reader snippets of the context rather than dump it on them. This is brought on by poor planning. If you make a rough draft of where the story will take the reader - especially important with Deus Ex - and then plan where you will release the context information, it's far easier to see where everything will slot in. Of course this can take months before a decision is made in the final draft.

A major one is that you give no setting at all. This is absolutely essential.

It's not all bad though. Focus on your grasp of the story and readability. Both are very strong points in your writing.


FWIW I've decided to remake your prologue - along the same lines - just to put my points in perspective.

[A setting at the beginning?] New York City moves in the blink of an eye. Years on the streets had taught Harley Filben not to leave his back unchecked, or "ass in the breeze" as he prefers. His occupation? Not relevant tonight. This was a very different occasion: a favour for a friend.[A hook sometimes works] The still, crystal night brought a chill to the city causing Filben to hunch over a hastily constructed fire. Men and women stood in silence around their work as an artist admires his masterpiece. It consisted of habitual cardboard boxes and long-ruined benches crammed into an unused bin; it's rubbish freely flowing along the cracked pavement. At night, when the moon was at it's peak, the city was spotted with fires such as these in the back-streets and the alleys; like the stars mirrored in the ocean.[Okay, I've quickly spun this up but basically I've tried to compare NYC to a sea here in the stars and by saying "flow" earlier. An ocean has connotations of depth, size etc - it's a useful comparison.]

Filben walked through a meticulously planned route leading him to the destination. His shotgun was barely concealed in the large torn green overcoat surrounding it. Posing as a homeless ex-military officer, he could conduct his business in relative obscurity. That didn't mean there were no dangers. Each corner was junky waiting. Each shadow was an assailant watching. Each footstep was potential bait. [Setting again, and notice that I'm not overwhelming the reader with information] Taking a slightly irregular detour over the rooftop of a warehouse he landed in the aptly named Hell's Kitchen: the core of New York's sin. Filben swiftly made his way towards the subway station. Once inside, he expected to see his associate impatiently waiting at the end of the platform. However, the station was deserted. [The reason I've added all this is to show how setting and a build-up can contribute]

“You’re late.”

The unmistakable sound of a pistol hammer locking into firing position froze Harley Filben in place. Retracing his steps in his mind, he could not figure out how anyone had managed to get the drop on him - not that it mattered now. The “ping” of the slide action identified the weapon as a silenced PS-10. Government issue. Probably never been fired. Harley saw no reason to change that. [Nothing wrong with that]

Slowly, deliberately, he raised his hands into the air and turned. The voice belonged to a face much younger than his own - in fact, were it not for the man’s neatly trimmed beard and translucent augmented eyes, Filben might have mistaken his companion for a mere boy.

A boy with a gun pointed at my head, he noted.

“I’m not late. You’re early,” Filben grumbled. “Goddamn it, Paul, you’re always early.”

Paul Denton bore little resemblance to a typical policeman. His knee-length leather overcoat [To be honest, an athletic physique is quite typical of a policeman, but I definitely approve of the first sentence!] concealed a multitude of weapons and tools. The soles of the black leather boots on his feet were coated in a thick layer of grime, a product of countless hours spent in the back-alleys and sewers of New York City. [Not necessary to mention Paul's connections, this is his profile, you'll build up his character progressively] Filben had known Paul since he began in the force. He respected his hardiness and ability. More notably he admired his humanity - uncommon in the city's police service. [This is still through Filben's eyes] But Paul Denton was no typical policeman. He was UNATCO.

Denton surveyed the area around him once more, then lowered the pistol and stepped closer. His eyes stared unblinkingly into Filben's, searching for any sign of duplicity or sudden movement. The latter wondered, for the second time he has been face-to-face with Paul, whether UNATCO were issuing some form of mind-reading augments. [My idea for the change] Breathing a deep sigh, Filben [keep the name the same] lowered his arms and held his palms outward.

“Would you take it easy already? [he carries]” Filben started.
“You’re sure you weren’t followed?”
“Jesus, Paulie, I thought you said this was urgent? It ain’t my first time around the block, so stop jerking me off and spill it already!”
Filben did not lose any ground in an argument; especially if it concerned his profession. ["barked" is overused] Denton moved close enough to whisper. Reaching into his jacket pocket, he removed a small microdisc and placed it firmly into Filben’s palm.
“I need you to move this for me. Get in touch with Decker. [Good job] Make sure nobody handles it but him, understood?” Denton’s luminous eyes darted cautiously back and forth.

Filben looked down to the small piece of metal between his fingertips. Barely two centimeters thick, the tiny sliver of aluminum could store an incredible amount of data in digital form. Filben [name again] could only guess as to what information this particular disc might hold. His intuition told him it was something Paul Denton was very much willing to pay for.
[Ideally, you should conclude with them parting, as the prologue is their meeting and should have a definitive end]

Keep to what you're doing, you'll just need to keep redrafting when you have a finished manuscript to make it as good as it could be.

[Dead-eye]

Oh yeah the only thing I would like to know is if your going off the DX bible or the game?

Because the game has a few differences then the bible. Like Paul joining UNATCO before hie parents died, were in the bible it states that Paul was 17 and JC was 6. http://archive.gamespy.com/articles/apr ... ndex4.shtm

Ether one is cool.

[WildcatPhoenix]

@deadeye- Definitely basing it off the game (going with the Paul joining UNATCO before his parents' death).

@sweets- You make some valid points, but keep in mind that I am not posting these segments in any kind of order. What you read in my second post does not come one sentence after the conclusion of the previous post (in fact, it's set in an entirely different chapter). I'm merely posting "snippets" of my work to give the MIB mod team (and now, you guys) an example of what my novel would look like.

For obvious reasons, I'm not about to publish whole chapters of my work on the internet.

Regarding the planning aspect of things, I have already written out a document planning each chapter individually and breaking them down into "scenes." Trust me, it's not my style to just dive into writing without any sense of direction. And as far as setting goes, each chapter is preceded by a paragraph at the top (a style used in the BattleTech novels, of which I was a major fan).

Ex:
UNATCO Headquarters, Liberty Island
New York City, NY
022:35:53

But I like quite a lot of what you wrote in the paragraph. I hope I'm not coming off as defensive (a writer who can't take criticism is probably not a very good writer at all), but I did want to clarify what these segments represent in terms of final product.

Anyway, I'll keep slugging away at it. I sent an e-mail to Chris Todd today regarding the project, so I'll keep you guys posted if he responds.

-Wildcat

-EDIT- By the way, the prologue does not end on the sentence about "something Denton was willing to pay for." It goes on like this:

“It’s always the same old story with you, ain’t it? You want me to stick my neck out, fine, but I want double the rate this time, up front.”

After a long hesitation, Denton reached into the opposite jacket pocket and pulled out a handful of electronic credit chits.

“You’re getting greedy in your old age, Harley.”

Filben smirked and replied, “Times are tough, pal. A man’s gotta make a living somehow.”

“Just remember what I said about the disc,” Denton cautioned. “People’s lives depend on it.”

“Don’t worry about me. I’m a consumate professional.”

Without another word, Paul Denton turned and began making his way towards the empty parking lot behind him. Filben pocketed the credits and reached for a cigarette, then paused.

“Hey Paul!” he called out.

Denton stopped and turned his head.

“Is it true what I heard about your brother?”

Denton nodded, “He starts tomorrow. Manderley agreed to let me show him the ropes before he ships out.”

“Well ain’t that something? Now I gotta deal with two of you,” Filben grunted.


“Take care of the kid, Paul. There are a lot of dangerous people in this city…”

[sweets]

Would it be possible to post some more of your descriptive writing then?